Unexpected item: how self-checkout turned me into an unpaid employee

Yesterday I got fired from a job I never had. Let me explain.

I went into the supermarket to buy four things: bread, coffee, soap and a banana. One. I'm a 61-year-old man, I don't need a bunch. At the exit there was one human register open and a line that started back at the bakery. Next to it, eight glowing screens, calling me like sirens.

I went.

The job I didn't apply for

Look at what happened. The cashier — trained, doing this eight hours a day, knows the banana code by heart — was replaced by me. Me: no training, no badge, no paycheck. And no stool. She had a stool. I stood there holding a banana like it was evidence.

Arthur, who was with me and is incapable of experiencing anything without measuring it, timed me: four items in seven minutes and forty seconds. According to him, an experienced cashier would do it in under a minute. "You are the least productive employee in the history of retail," he said. Thanks, Arthur. At least I'm free.

"Unexpected item in the bagging area"

Then the machine spoke to me. In that calm voice of someone who has never stood in line: unexpected item in the bagging area.

Unexpected? It was a banana. A banana is the most expected thing on Earth. Monkeys expect bananas. Grocery stores expect bananas. Bananas are so expected they come pre-wrapped.

Arthur explained, with the patience of a man who has rejected 2.3 million parts: the bagging-area scale compares the expected weight with the weight you put down. It was off by twelve grams. Twelve grams! I told him that was my dignity leaving the building. It weighs exactly twelve grams. He wrote it down in his notebook.

The lady with the badge

The screen froze and a little red light came on above my head. A red light. Above an older gentleman. Holding a banana. Everybody looked.

Then the lady with the badge came to unlock it. And who was the lady with the badge? The same lady from the register. She wasn't fired; she was promoted to old-man supervisor. The company didn't eliminate her job; now she works and I work. The only system in history where you add an employee and nobody gets paid more.

The final question

At the end, after the receipt, the screen asked: "How was your experience?" With little faces. Green, yellow, red.

Arthur gave it a rating. I asked what he gave it. He looked at the screen and said, without blinking: "Unexpected item."

I have nothing against technology. I was a radio host; I lived on technology. What I won't accept is technology that hands the work to me and the profit to someone else, and then wants to know if I enjoyed it.